I often feel like a chameleon who's forgotten what color it originally was.
I struggle with knowing who I am or what I want a lot of the time. I know I am not alone in this but it still feels so alienating to not know yourself.
My whole life my masking strategy for exisiting in society has been to blend in. Not so much in that I would pretend to be other things or would fake interests. I learned tactics to make myself as unassuming as possible and to never hold a strong stance on anything.
I would defer attention by giving people the impression that I agreed with them. Whatever would cause the least amount of friction. I would tell myself that I was still holding onto my values because I wasn't actually openly agreeing with anyone. But that's the thing, not making a choice or a stance on something is still making a choice.
So in many ways my life became shaped by the opinions and desires of those around me.
So what's left of me then if I put myself aside for all these years?
Did you know that chameleons don't actually use their color changing abilities to hide from predators?
I just learned this tonight actually. They are naturally greenish brown or whatever color would be best suited to blending into their environment. They're already good at thriving where they live.
The color changing corresponds to their current state be it excited, angry, anxious. Their emotions are what causes them to stand out so brilliantly.
So maybe I'm more like a chameleon who forgot that they had other colors that they could change into.
And the emotions that I tried to leave behind are just as important as the hobbies and desires that I pushed off to the side.
What's a chameleon to do once it remembers that it can do more with it's powers than hiding?
Well, experimenting is a great place to start. Theres tons of beautiful vibrant colors around to pick from!
I struggle with this sometimes when I worry that I'm just copying others around me. But I don't have to keep wearing something if it doesn't end up fitting. Nothing is forever and nobody can say what colors work best for us, only we can.
We can also look within. Looking back into the past and reflecting on the things that brought us joy when we were young, or when we felt safest can yeild a lot of hidden treasures. Things we buried to the side out of guilt, fear or shame.
If we can reforge a connection with that wounded past version of our selves. Do what we can to cultivate a safe space to let them back out and flourish. We can start to uncover and discover the truth at our cores
This is something that has to be done with a gentle hand, or we run the risk of re-traumatising ourselves. We need to extend a compassion and curiousity to that younger version of ourselves that most of us were not fortunate enough to recieve.
With patience and care this can be done.
If you feel like you have nothing to go on, no threads to pull at to even figure out what past you was into. I would suggest looking into the areas of your life where you feel the most shame, fear or guilt.
The reason you can't connect with your interests is because at some point in your life you were lead to believe that this part of you was bad and shameful and had to be buried.
I know even suggesting doing this sort of thing can be anxiety inducing. The fear of what lies buried can be strong but remember.
Our shadows tend to grow the biggest while out in the darkness.
I will say again. Curiosity, compassion, understanding, a safe, non-judgemental space to explore what is there. We can give to ourselves the things we all deserved while growing up.
My inner child has fears about stepping out of line, not being perfect and making mistakes. Especially around being messy.
But do you know how much fun it is to eat a bowl of spaghetti and sauce with your bare hands? I think tomato sauce red is a color that actually suits me quite well.
Until next time, take care and I hope wherever that you are that you are safe and well, and that you remember that you are loved.
-Clareon The Critter
(Here's some bonus progress pics of the site layout I've been working on. Wow responsive designs are difficult but I feel like I've figured out how to do the menu for mobile devices.)
