Day Five

The special interest that has shaped your life the most

Content Warning: This post contains talk about body image specifically in regards to weight. Subjects of fat fetishism are present as well as brief mentions of addiction and depression. Overall this post focuses on my positive experiences, however.

There are no explicit descriptions or images in this article but if any of this makes you uncomfortable I'd suggest moving on and reading a different article of mine.~

[Fat Soft Round Cute Squishy Bouncy Things!]

Ah so, when I saw this special interest prompt challenge I was nervous. At first it was because I knew I would have to talk about this subject. And then I was worried that I wouldn't have much else to talk about -beside- this. This has actually turned out to be far from the case, and it's been a delight sharing more of some of my other interests and remembering how much they all still mean to me even now.

I tend to make whales out of seals, especially with this subject. Partially that's because this has been such a large and impactful part of my life and guided my interests for a long time. Partially because this interest has been the source of a lot of joy and then a lot of struggles that I have had for an astonishngly long time.

I actually already wrote this post once, when I finsihed the final draft I went to go save and my computer crashed. I hadn't saved since the previous draft and well.. I took that as a sign to rewrite it. The original went very into depth and focused on my struggles. I think for now I'm going to save that for another time. I want to share the good the bad and the weird here, but I want to keep this post in particular a celebration of my favorite things.

Click the fox to watch them grow!

a gif of a drawing of a fox swelling like a balloon

A gif I drew a while back. Stuff like this amuses and delights me. Have you ever thought of what it would be like to turn into a cloud?

[Small Beginnings]

My fascination began as a kid, probably around 6 or 7. It was coming up on someones birthday party and I was imagining all of the fun we would have. Someone had mentioned that there would be a helium tank with balloons and the thought drifted across my mind of how funny it'd be if I used a hose on the tank and it inflated myself to the size of a sumo wrestler.

It was a very peculiar idea and left me feeling all warm and fuzzy and expansive inside. It sounded like a lot of fun! Looking back, it seems very likely to me that these ideas were inspired by the cartoons I was watching around that time. I wasn't watching a lot of TV at that age, but this scene from Tom & Jerry comes to mind.

screencapture from an episode tom and jerry where tom is inflated by a bike pump

Cartoons were full of stuff like this growing up. It's a wonder I didn't end up with an interest in inflation instead...

[Growing Connections Through Shared Interests]

This interest didn't take off and grow until my teen years. I found myself exploring the internet with (mostly unfettered but uh.. still monitored) internet access and I started searching keywords related to fat and weight gain. I found myself on some porn websites and well.. it just felt really weird. I didn't stay for long. I eventually found my way to deviantart for the first time and from there was introduced to a large community of artists drawing fat characters. Some of them were OCs and many more were fan arts of exisiting media. One probably any of you who have spent some time on the internet would be aware of is the sonic fanart community. Yes I had my own fat tails OC. I would share it with you but I deleted that gallery some time ago.

I connected with these characters I was seeing. I wanted to be like them. Soft, fat, squishy, and just comfortable in their bodies.They looked and just felt right.

I found something much more special here though. I connected with a lot of wonderful people at this time. This was a very important thing because well, things in the physical world were a real struggle for me. Depression was setting in hard, for many reasons I was struggling to make friends. Undiagnosed autism and moving around every year were big contributers to that.

I had found people that I could connect with and through the power of the internet, they couldn't be taken away from me by yet another move. No matter where I was, the internet would ensure that we could stay connected. I could finally start letting people back into my life and not fear losing them.

Many of those connections have come and gone, and they haven't been without their challenges. But they have had made such an impact on my life and I say with full honesty that I don't think I'd be here today if I hadn't have met those people when I did.

drawing of a group of buizels sharing food and belly rubs.

A picture I drew for a friend recently that I feel captures my feelings of encouragement and connection that I felt on my early days of exploring these communities. Some buizel friends sharing food and belly rubs!

[Comfort Coping And Addicition]

I won't dwell here long, but this WILL be a much larger post that I make some day. I want to share my story more because I think it could help others.

After finding refuge online I found myself withdrawing more from problems and struggles in the phyiscal world. My interest eventally developed into an obsession. And my interest in it became almost entirely sexual in nature. I lost sight of what was important and would at times value this interest more than other people. I hurt other people and I hurt myself. And I developed some very negative habits along with it. I felt out of control and this interest would always demand my attention and I felt powerless to say no to it.

It became nearly my only coping mechanism and over the years it's effectiveness became less and less. I needed more and more. It became an addiciton.

I'm on the other side of this now. I will be sharing more of what that time of my life was like because I think it could be helpful to others. To way overly simplfy it. I eventually rock bottom and was forced to look at and evaluate my behaviours and mentality, as well as to force myself to spend time away from this interest for a long time. It was definitely not all a straight go either, I've made a lot of missteps along the way.

Things are feeling a lot better these days! While I used to consider this a fetish I now consider it just another interest of mine. This interest takes up a lot less of my time and I can choose when I interact with it. And while I'm still trying to figure out exactly how it fits into my life and it can confuse me at times. It feels much lighter and happier these days!

[Who Am I Growing Into Now?]

This is a reason I wanted to write this post. After having moved past my struggles with addiction I have been left a bit confused about parts of myself. And well, I still am! I have NO idea what the 'right' me looks for like for my physical body and it's very frustrating at times. I've been learning to move on and focus on the things that I do know, the steps that I can take now.

Things have shifted for me too, while this still seems linked with my sexuality it now is largely just something I find interesting and fun! I have been battling shame about that, for such a long time this was something sexual in my mind, so sharing with others feels innappropriate. But that is definitely not my intention. Everything I have created and shared here is solely because I think it's neat and fun! And then, it's not that I think our sexual sides should be covered up and hidden away either. This is also something that I am working on working through. I will not post stuff like that on this site without giving appropriate content warnings, if I post stuff like that at all.

I wanted to identify some gifts and viewpoints that going through this has brought me that I do feel confident about.

drawing of my character Donut as a plushie.

An OC of mine named donut, drawn as a fat plushie. They're a dog.. sorta...

Being a weight and health advocate:

This will tie into many of the points here. I'll be blunt. Being fat is not unhealthy. What is unhealthy? Eating too many greasy/ sugary foods and not getting enough exercise. Poverty is unhealthy especially when it forces you into sacrificing nutrition or proper and timely medical care. The negative self image and self hatred that come from a society that shames derides and ridicules anyone without an 'average' body type is unhealthy.

Each persons needs vary a lot more than any food pyramid would like you to believe. We know our bodies best and only by becoming in tune with our bodies can we find out what they are and keep them in balance. I intend to live my life as a living example of this. I want to live in a world where everyone can be whatever shape and size and curves or straight lines or muscles that makes them feel good and happy about themselves.

It is up to the individual to decide what sort of lifestyle they wish to live in the first place. Just because living at a certain size might be undesirable to some because it might prevent them from pursuing certain things in life, those things might mean nothing to that person. Or they might pursue them in different ways.

So, get as big as feels good and right for you. There are limits even to living a healthy and heavy lifestyle but those are going to be personal to you.

Cooking delicious and nutritious foods:

a sticker of a dog cooking in a wok

I'm not saying don't eat fried foods- Everything in moderation and yeah just be careful with them. As for 'additives' and 'processing' of foods welllll.. I don't think they're the demons that health food junkies will lead you to believe but I do believe they reduce the quality and nutrition of the food and should be consumed sparingly. And that is mainly my goal. To take my nutrition back into my own hands. To consume locally and fresh grown seasonal vegitables wherever possible. To prefer hand made and baked goods and fit as much of that into my diet as I can! And then to share that with other people as well!

I want to be clear, my goal isn't to make anyone else fat, unless they wanted that. I just want to share good food that makes them feel good! I always get so delighted when I make a simple meal with wholesome ingredients and see people actually lighting up and enjoying them. The way I look at it, the food I share with others empowers others with energy to accomplish whatever goals they set out for. And I am all for that!

It feels good to nourish and share with others and that is a goal of mine.

Clothing for all sorts of body shapes:

Thinking about fat has given me a real appreciation for how clothing fits, or doesn't fit, on most body types. The dreaded 'muffin top' might be considered unsightly to some (first off muffin tops are delicious and my favorite part of the muffin) But what im concerned about is how uncomfortable it is to be stuffed into a pair of non stretchy jeans with a fixed button. Gods, never again.

And so I see everyone with such unique and diverse shapes and sizes. My own body, I have these things called 'hip dips' where like, regular pants can't even fit on my hips they slide right down to my crotch unless im wearing a really tight belt. THAT is awful, not my hip dips. They're neat and a good place to put your hands. :3

drawing of proportion practice of a front, side and back view of me

I made this at first to practice proportions, but then I wanted to do my best to capture my current bodys proportions and shape and size. I'm pretty sure my torso is longer than 'average' and I used to think that was weird. Doing something like this made me feel a lot better about my body as it is right now.

And then lets add in the autism, mainstream clothing is a hellscape for that anyways. I have a passion for sewing so my dream is to make comfortable and well fitted custom made clothing for our custom made bodies! One size does NOT fit all. (Unless it's hoodies those things are so comfy at any size)

I feel like this is where a lot of shame comes from, people trying to stuff themselves into the only mainstream clothing available and then wondering whats wrong with them or why they don't feel comfortable or confident in their clothing well, it wasn't made for them! It wasn't made for anyone in mind really, just the cheapest $$ and most common denominator, that's all.

I've gotta make more clothes for myself first. I made a very comfortable snug tank top without sleeves that I just loove. My next goal is to make a pair of overalls~

drawing of some clothing over the model from earlier

I plan on using this model to sketch clothing ideas I have over it. I'll be keeping in mind the unique needs of my body when making my clothes so they fit much more comfortably!

Enjoying cute soft squishy stims!:

This manefests in a ton of ways. A squishy ball, soft stuffies, comfy fabrics, even just looking at soft things or images or colors. Soft is a very comforting stim of mine and I want to fill my life with as much of it as I can! My interest has transformed over time in this regard. It's not -just- fat things. But anything soft and comfy in general. But I still do have an appreciation for fat and how it feels. Each squish is rather unique and deserves to be appreciated~

gif of one of my characters, Donut, running.

I made this as some replacement sprites to insert Donut into a game I enjoy called Here Comes Niko! I ended up getting the timing wrong and have to rework this but as it is I find it fun to look at. :3 I feel like I captured bouncy soft movements in a lot of different ways here!

Some final thoughts to chew on:

I'm so glad I decided to do this special interest week. It's been a good reminder of ALL of the things that I enjoy. And that they are all valid and bring a lot of special meaning to me in ways far beyond what they were initially. I look forward to seeing how this interest continues to expand and what it will bring for my future.

A note about content on this blog: You'll be seeing plenty of more stuff like this. But I also create stuff that has nothing to do with this interest. In fact most of my favorite peices of art have nothing to do with this but well, it's a part of me and I can't keep it separate from this space.

I do explore things of sexual/kink nature related to this. But those will not be shared on this website. I want to keep this space inclusive, I want to be able to share this space with family and friends and I don't feel like having those things here would be good for that. I don't currently have a space online where I explore those things but, it's something I want to work on later.

Thinking about treats and tummy rubs...

-Clareon The Critter

image of the site mascot laying on their back begging for tummy rubs